The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Season Finale
Yeah, yeah, what can I say—it's been a hot second since I posted because I'm getting used to my new awesome job (at Bustle!!) and the only time I can really multi-task is when I want to watch YouTube videos on my phone while also watching television and looking at my computer. But I'm here now to talk about the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills season finale, because that's what I really want to talk about. So here goes:
This whole season was a mess, but let's make it clear: this Diamonds and Rosé party was an extra mess. Lisa Vanderpump—Queen of the most fragile, frightened looking animals I've ever seen and the leader of the Vanderpump Rules "when will Jax Taylor finally just end up on some CW werewolf show with that enormous jawline" drunk pack—has hideous, horrible taste in parties. What the fuck was that? It looked like Season Two in True Blood when the maenad took over, and I half-expected Lisa to pull her claws out of the ground and start vibrating. Pure nonsense. I thought I hated Kyle Richard's Gatsby party a few episodes back, because hey! You probably only romanticize the '20s if you're white, rich, and grossly unaware of cholera, and Kyle seems all of those things. But this party was worse. Perhaps it was a long play for "owning swans," but who knows. At least there was food. I love Erika Jayne, but the fact that there was no food at her birthday party was grossly offensive to me. Maybe she already ate her dinner that night, which I imagine was a couple of corn dogs, eaten upon a throne she fashioned out of incredibly ripped gay men she has hired. And, bonus! We got to hear Eileen talk about how she loves caviar again, like she's Joe Fox in You've Got Mail during that "caviar is a garnish" scene.
But, silver lining of this pastel party! We got to see Dorit's whole "maybe it will be fashion to dip my head in baby oil and cover it in Dove wrappers" look. Somebody get her Erika Jayne's glam squad, although look what happens when her glam squad isn't within 5 feet of her: she screams at Eileen in Hong Kong. Keep Mikey close! In Dorit's defense, her dress was amazing, and I never want to defend Dorit. She's the kind of person who spills a glass of red wine on a carpet, deliberately walks away, and then comes back and goes "I think somebody spilled!" As Lisa Rinna would say, OWN IT, or as Lisa Rinna would say, we're all fairly close to death.
Anyway, I think this party was off to a bad start when that complete loon tortured everyone with a song on the guitar for Pandora's special rosé. That guitar probably set off Kim "I just saw Legally Blonde on Broadway and I like the outfits" Richards to talk about Lisa Rinna again, or maybe it's because Lisa Rinna likes to tell people ON CAMERA that Kim is probably still drinking or using drugs, and then goes, "I don't remember that" like she's a more delusional version of Robert Durst. Oh, sure, Lisa, there's 100% no chance that speaking to cameras about things that will eventually prove you're guilty, then lying about those things also on camera, will be a bad idea at all. Keep eatin' those Harry Hamlin pies!
Anyway, Erika Jayne had her pink wig on, which means she obviously told her glam squad "I want to have a arguing with Dorit's husband moment" and they followed through. Lord. A word about panty gate, because it's been the whole damn season *clears throat*:
If a friend of your wife's accidentally flashes her private area while sitting across from you at a restaurant, you turn to your goddamn wife and you tell her privately and she takes care of it discreetly, because it's embarrassing and it would be weird of you to tell her yourself. You don't become Mr. Sweat Pig who wants to get a bigger spot on the show because you're friends with Boy George and elude to your wife that you "liked the view." And if you're the wife, you don't constantly fucking bring it up all the time, reason that because she goes on stage in revealing clothes that she did it on purpose, and also tell multiple people, "I don't think it was because she was coming onto my husband" in order to be a slimy GOLD FOIL HEAD and deliberately put it into people's minds that that was the woman's intention in the first place. The panty gift was a dig, and guess what! It's not your dumb hairstyles that make you the worst, it's that you go out of your way to make someone feel bad because you're secretly irritated that they're more likable than you even though they're less desperate about it.
And you do coke in the bathroom!
Okay. Eden Sassoon tried to get her contract renewed on the spot by calling Lisa "there's no way cameras record what I say" Rinna a bitch, but whatever. I can take another season of her showing us her crystal collection and doing sound bites about hot yoga and soul-connecting, as long as I don't have to have dinner with her. She's the kind of person who's asking you about your relationship with your mother by the appetizer round, and I can't do forced friendships via oversharing. But really, nothing was worse than PK barreling into a Real Housewives argument like they just ran out of butterbeer at Hogsmeade. Nobody needs PK calling Erika Jayne "honey," but I guess we all need Erika Jayne telling P "I'm an extra in a period piece about the old, dirty parts of England" K to shut up. I do not like PK. Why can't we have more of Eileen's husband, who always looks like he put on his nice polo shirt because she told him "the cameramen" were coming, and so he takes a quick shower and brings some beers from the basement to the fridge in case they want some. With his hair wet.
Speaking of Eileen, she always looks like a Bob Mackie Barbie and she's beautiful. When people yell at her, I get sad, but I like that she also yelled at PK. She's kind of like me: I don't get mad until I hit my limit, and my limit is when Slimer is in my face, telling me how I should feel and act.
So. The episode ends with a big fight and Kyle Richard sitting on one of those spiky gold sea urchins you see at Target. And Lisa Vanderpump retreats into her basement, crushes a fairy in her hands and eats it, looks at the camera and says "next time, America." That woman isn't the sniper Erika Jayne likes to say she is, she's the ancient witch who's charismatic enough that we all ignore the fact that she puts spells on children or something. Can't wait for the reunion!
If you guys like this very cathartic Real Housewives review, I'll do others!