The Rudest Things You Can Do At The Gym
Did I write this post just to let people know I go to the gym? No, but also: kind of. How else would anybody know of the true suffering I experience when I walk the many half-blocks to my local gym chain in capri workout leggings that make my ankles cold? How else would anyone know that I suffer in silence to the music of Shakira or My Chemical Romance? Because if I didn't tell you I pay 10 bucks a month for a basic membership, you wouldn't know I went to the gym. You can barely see results in my arms and upper body. I can't even slide myself across the floor when I'm trying to prank my boyfriend into thinking I've been possessed by the devil. No strength!
Anyway, besides actually working out, there are other things about going to the gym I hate: the people. Any people, really, out and about in the great city of Manhattan, tend to annoy me. But these people have introduced me to a new list of reasons to have contempt for the faceless masses: the world of gym etiquette. It exists, but I think it exists mostly for people to NOT LISTEN TO, especially when they work out around me. Here are the rudest things you can do at the gym, just all of us workout people can nod in solidarity together:
-sit on a machine and scroll through your phone for more than 30 seconds, like you weren't just MR. LEGS five minutes ago and now you have to sit on the machine, preventing everyone else from using it, because you want to be MR. SITTING IRON LEGS and read some protein shake recipes while you relax on your little throne.
-stand behind me when I'm WEIGHING MYSELF, for lord's sake. Listen, it'd be better for all of us if you turn around and face the wall and back away slowly before I start biting you. To be honest: this one lady who stood directly behind me while I weighed myself even though the entire locker room was empty is one of the reasons I also don't weigh myself at the gym anymore. But I have a lot of issues!
-leave your locker wide open after you take your stuff out: does everyone have to do the work for you? Just close shit!
-be those two swole dudes who stood right by my machine and talked about all the workouts they plan on doing this week. Go away! I am going to go one more time this week and that's it and I don't need to be REMINDED OF IT.
-taking a machine next to me when every other row was empty
-be better at the gym at me like that one guy who was grunting and throwing rope around while I was just trying to run 3-4 miles today
-walk slowly and lecherously past my butt
-BE THE MAN WHO WAS EATING A DELICIOUS SANDWICH
-be my local gym, which has a Taco Bell and an IHOP and a Popeye's right next to it
-put your stuff into a locker without a lock, which offends me because then I try to open up my favorite special locker and there's a coat in it AND it reminds me that some people aren't nearly as paranoid as I am.
-be me, the person who doesn't take their headphones out as they say goodbye to the front desk people and then I can't tell if they say other stuff to me and I take my headphones out and it's too late
-stare at people right in the eye, because the gym is actually like the subway and you're not supposed to look at anyone when they're sweating while watching CNN on TV and you start hissing at Sean Spicer like a cat
-do literally anything else but drink water by the water fountains
-have a loud conversation on the machines is a bit annoying, but I don't know if it's actually appropriate or not, because everyone is already miserable
-Okay. Hands down the worst thing a person can do at the gym is not clean their machines. That's it. That's all I really wanted to talk about. What kind of monster doesn't take 30 seconds to get a paper towel and spray down a machine that is covered in their own sweat? It's not hard to clean the machines. It's not inconvenient to wipe down something as a courtesy for the people who are also paying for the exact same services you are. Am I missing something? Is there some gold membership I am not aware of where everybody else has to clean up after you? Did you eat some magic beans where you don't secrete the same stinky-ass sweat as other people when you over-exert yourself? Fuck no! Just do the extra cardio, walk back to your machine and be a decent fucking person so I don't have to touch the machine you just used to start my own workout and it feels sticky and disgusting. You toad.
And now, that ends my "I definitely work out sometimes" portion of this website.