Things I Have Done With Apple Cider Vinegar
Held it In My Hands At Whole Foods
I don’t remember who was the first to tell me about the health properties of Apple Cider Vinegar. I have a suspicion: I, like a dog paddling in the water for the first time, was born with this knowledge. Everybody knows that apple cider vinegar is good for you, just as everybody knows that Rihanna would like them if they hung out.
And just as I imagine I will hold my baby for the first time and know how to put it in one of those hippie cloth wraps almost immediately, I held the bottle of Bragg’s and thought: This unfiltered vinegar must be drank, whole, for my health. Not as a singular ingredient for an autumn kale salad dressing, but as a bitter concoction I consume as ritual. And so it began.
Drank it With Water
I had read somewhere that Apple Cider Vinegar, or as the hip health community calls it, ACV, can BALANCE your ENTIRE inner body system. I have no leads on what this means. I have no balance in my life. I sit on the couch most days and flip through the television, lingering on Bravo or whatever show is on about people that are sexy and entirely awful. My insides probably unbalance at this alone.
My checkbook is not balanced. My eating is balanced sometimes, but only when the pizza slices are the same weight as the beer. But all can use some balance, like various inspirational Instagrams have told me. So I add a tablespoon or two of Apple Cider Vinegar to a large cup of New York City tap water, and I balance a cup this on my lap, spilling much of it. From what I have researched, ACV also makes your skin clear. I want to be clear and balanced, like I imagine Jennifer Aniston in those Aveeno commercials. Instead, I taste spoiled lemonade. It is putrid. It rips away at my insides like the tsunami in the Rock movie San Andreas. But alas, I think it makes my skin clearer, but so does changing my pillowcases on a regular basis. I drink it whenever I am mad at myself, or whenever I feel like my health is declining because of my own poor habits.
Convinced My Mother To Drink It
I believe health mostly comes from things that will make me suffer. When I have a cold, I eat a tablespoon of garlic with honey and burp my way through a cold. My mother is also like this. She has a laundry list of kitchen health rituals she expels upon me. All are abhorrent. She eats oatmeal with turmeric powder on it, and doesn’t even mix it in. I tell her about the benefits of ACV vaguely, because I don’t know much about it. It is good for you. I insist. It fixes your inner systems! I try to Google it for her, but instead only find a bunch of buggy sites devoted to Apple Cider Vinegar and the computer shuts down. She takes it once from me, makes a face, and never mentions it again. The next time I see her, I notice she is taking turmeric capsules. She is better at evolving than I am.
Took Shots of It
After you drink a few glasses of Apple Cider Vinegar, you begin to feel bad you have watered it down. This is not what ancestors did, or the kinds of gentle witches that were in historical fiction novels. I am not balancing myself enough. I need to sacrifice more of my body to the path of health. I begin to take shots of it in the morning, which makes me feel vulnerable and frightened, and just a little bit nauseous. My stomach begins to greatly rebel, almost like it is disappointed, like the time I took a morning sip of water and found out it was really a vodka soda I had left out the night before. The shots no longer happen. I am a modern witch.
Washed My Hair With It
Ever since I have moved into my new apartment, I have been plagued with hard water problems. I have some solutions to this, like clarifying shampoo and expensive hair products and rinsing my hair after a shower with Poland Spring bottles. But ACV is supposed to work, too, probably because I have decided it will. I fill a squirt bottle with ACV (two tablespoons and the rest diluted water), stand in the shower, and let it wash over me. This surprisingly works, if not for how cold I am, standing naked in the shower. I understand why my dog hates the bath. I understand why I hate standing naked and wet in places. It works amazing. I don't need conditioner, and it is soft. I smell like Caesar salad, which is sexy in its own way. One time, I met a guy who said he wished girls would spray perfumes that smelled like garlic frying in olive oil,so I think of that. I enjoy how this one multi-use vinegar is making me incorrigible in so many different ways. I rinse my hair with it once every two weeks.
Brushed My Teeth With It
Folklore says you can get rid of tooth stains by using apple cider vinegar. Interestingly, so can toothpaste or modern technology. I will not be doing this again. I also do not have any tooth stains, because my mother is a dental hygienist and will probably hire a ghost to haunt me if I don't use fluoride treatments or drink coffee without rinsing my mouth out afterwards.
Put it On My Skin
I read every article about apple cider vinegar in this soothing voice of a massively independent woman who does art somewhere in Arizona. She has paintings of my uterus. She is no-nonsense. She tells me that my skin will look ILLUMINATING not if you consume the vinegar, but if you rub it on your face. I have always wanted to look illuminating, like I have eaten a lightbulb. How could I be so stupid! I apologize to the article. I take a cotton ball and rub it all over my face like toner. The burning! I don't do this much anymore. I refuse to believe that anything but expensive Sephora products will fix my skin.
Bought It In Pill Form
There are a few things you can buy at TJ Maxx: signs that say Live, Laugh, Love, slightly imperfect Levi jeans, and off-brand vegan Apple Cider tablets. They taste like powdered vinegar and are about the size of my thumb. I choke every 2 times I have tried to take them, spitting them out onto my table like I am almost defiant about it. What a Maxxinista I am.
Told Everyone I Take Apple Cider Vinegar and They Should Too
I tell everyone I know about my consumption of Apple Cider Vinegar. I tell them it works wonders on my skin (still not illuminated) and my hair (this is true when I remember to do it). I tell them I take it every morning. I say that you need to buy it unfiltered. I am a know-it-all about the stuff. You can do everything with it, I say. It will fix your insides. Sometimes, they listen. And the real reason I tell them? I want to help them. I also want to torture them with this acidic elixir.
Now that's balance.