It's The First Day Of Fall!
It’s the first day of fall today! Time for new beginnings! Sure, 2016 feels like somebody set fire to a pile of dirt or sticks or people’s worst nightmares, and the idea of “starting over” seems as impossible as reading the news and feeling a sliver of hope. But it’s jacket weather, which could even put some of us in a “good mood.” Who knows!
What I do know is that fall is the best season. Don’t @ me on this, you sweaty lunatics who think going to the beach is worth also going on the subway when it’s 100 degrees and someone pooed in the car and there’s no air conditioning in the car. It’s about to get crisp as hell and Halloween is coming. Nothing better than that, unless you count an America that feels happy and nice and it’s not just an America that remakes Lethal Weapon and puts it on Fox! Ack! If you do need suggestions on how to make fall the best season ever, here’s what you can do:
-avoid piles of leaves, honestly. Why do we need to do this? We don't need to rub leaves on ourselves.
-drink a hot cup of something. People love wrapping their hands around steaming mugs as everything they care for slips away.
-buy Halloween candy and hide it in a jar so you find it in March and then you can eat chalky Kit Kat’s with bats all over the wrapping and also real mouse poo on the wrapping
-vote (I know P Diddy said vote or die, but NOWADAYS?!?!??)
-find a cat that contains the body of a child, a child that watched his sister get murdered by 3 witches (one of them being Bette Midler).
-buy a candle that smells like pumpkin spice but is actually a prayer candle that nobody will bring up Colin Kaepernick to your conservative family at the next dinner gathering, lest you just lose control of all the blood vessels in your brain now!
-blast your air conditioning because it’s September and still boiling hot out and you are wearing shorts. Don’t forget to listen to Leonardo’s Oscar speech while doing this so you can be reminded of the polar ice caps melting and whatnot.
-turn on the debate this Monday for the scariest thing you’ll ever see, except it’s real and no matter how far you run, it’s still there! Honestly, watching Jason run around with a machete or whatever is less scary at this point. Especially if they cut to Eric Trump Jr!!! Ahh!
-make those little Pilsbury cookies with the pumpkins on them while reading an article about GMO’s.
-make jokes about how Pumpkin Spice is for losers, in our continuing saga to belittle people for the beverages they enjoy in this dark world!
-ask everyone around you, all the time, if you need to bring a jacket. Do I need to bring a jacket? Are we going apple picking? Does anybody know if I need to bring a jacket to apple picking?
-oh just go Target already and waste all your money on decorations
-complain about the chill
-learn how to perform a spell that will create a headphone jack for the Iphone 7 or will make your coworkers stop asking you what you're having for lunch or will make somebody take you apple picking!
-get one photo in of you with your toes curled under a blanket, drinking some tea! I think that would be great, and pretty exciting.
-tell your local Bath & Body Works what candles you are interested in seeing them create: Instagrams From Apple Picking, Can We Please Go Apple Picking, Who Has A Car For Us To Go Apple Picking in, I Put Too Much Rum In This Cider And Now It’s Gross, Should I Wear A Jacket, Six Candles In One Cuz I Light Six Candles At Once
-get ready for your Halloween costume, which is basically just thinking about how amazing it would be if you had a lot of money for a good wig and the makeup skills of somebody relatively competent.
-if only there was some activity you could do where you could pick fruit off a tree, pretend like you'll use all of it, and make one pie with.
-find your way over to old Stars Hollow, the eternally fall town that pretends it's middle class even though it's in a crime-free New England town, a commute away to NYC or Philly, and has a big enough town budget to hire a singer and throw a giant party for Rory because she graduated Yale. Which was offered to be paid for by her dad AND her grandparents.
-get into yet another opinion-based argument on the merits of candy corn!
-when people say "trick or treat" give them your bank account routing number and let them surprise you.
-buy another cardigan or plaid shirt, like the worthless money-wasting bucket we have all become. We get it! Plaid is to fall as fear is to laying in bed at night
-tune into the middle part of Halloween 3 on television!
-drink a delicious pumpkin beer, which will sit in your stomach like a paperweight
-stay inside with the lights off and go completely off the grid, forever