Things I've Learned From My Gym Membership (so far)
I got a gym membership around 4 months ago. Since then, I've been working out fairly often--around 4-6 times a week, depending on how long it will take me to make a full transformation from slug woman to human woman. I am surprised that I "like it" and by like it, it makes me feel very good but I also want to never, ever do it again.
At the gym, or as I call it "a smelly sock full of expensive equipment people sweat on," I do a variety of lifting things with my arm and feet. I repeat these movements for minutes at a time--over and over, seeing no end. A cog in a giant machine of swole. Sometimes, I run although nobody is chasing me and I'm not pushing past people in a Target to be the first to get Chipmunks: Road Chip on DVD.
To be honest, I've always liked running, which makes me a real asshole. Nobody likes running. People can make new friends just by saying "I hate running!" And then I go "but I find it calming!" and ruin the whole mood. But I do like running. So I do that a lot at the gym. What's my end goal? I'm not sure. I don't know that I want to be particularly stronger, otherwise people will ask me to help them move. I think I just want to live for a really long time. I want to be so old, I become one of those old witches that lives under the tree and people visit her about the future.
To be more honest, I've only had one gym membership previously. When I worked at a coffee shop in college, this really frazzled woman who had her lost her wallet came in and tried to use coins to pay for her drip coffee, so I gave it to her for free. The next day, she gave me a free month at her gym, which was Equinox. She was really nice. The gym was nicer--like an Anthropologie store made gym equipment and sprayed everything with a lemon-y herb scent and rich people with bodies as smooth as Werther's Originals candy would parade around. And I used it for that month and stopped going, because I preferred "running outside" and also preferred "treating my body like a cesspool and having an eating disorder instead of learning to treat my body with kindness."
But that's not me anymore! So now I have a gym membership and I love it, and here's what I've learned in the first 4 months of regular workouts. I hope to inspire you to go to the gym, too:
- There is a Taco Bell next door, and Taco Bell is currently selling burritos that have a core filled with spicy nacho cheese.
- Every day I go to the gym, I think of buying one of those burritos and walking until I hit the ocean
- The best motivator at the gym is to work the elliptical machine directly across from the guy who is running and also watching the gym TV, which is playing The Hills Have Eyes at 9am. He will yell the entire time.
- There is a Burger King next door, and Burger King is currently selling deep fried mac and cheese balls covered in Cheeto dust.
- Every day I go to the gym, I think of getting one of those dusty balls and walking to the JFK airport with only my passport and a credit card that isn't in my name.
- The best gym shorts are the Danskin ones you got in high school that are in a dark enough to hide my butt sweat.
- The best songs to work out to: Eric Prydz Call On Me. Doing anything to that song produces an alarming amount of endorphins.
- Working out actually helps quell my anxiety in an enormously helpful way, especially when your anxiety manifests in a way that makes you kind of nervous to leave your house because the oven might be on, like mine does. Leaving the house is great!
- I got inspired by fitspiration ONE time, and don't worry, I flogged myself almost immediately afterwards, like that scene in The DaVinci code.
- Music is great, but so is watching Youtube cooking videos so you can be reminded of fun things that you can do that aren't the gym, like eating and everything else in the entire world.
- Every time the guy at the front desk says goodbye to me, I stop to take out my headphones and he's saying "have a nice day" every time not "you have butt sweat" like I think he is going to say.
- The first day I was at the gym, I was really nervous to use the machines, so I asked a worker and he helped. I am embarrassed about this every time I go to the gym.
- I have a gym lock and every time I stand there putting in the combination, I expect Zack Morris to lean next to me and I am in high school again. Which is truly my worst nightmare.
- One day, I'll tell you what vegan protein powder I use, because I am ABSOLUTELY a nightmare
- Going to the gym is not nearly as fun or rewarding as telling people that I am going to the gym.
- You CAN go to the gym if you are: on your period, a little bit sick but with no fever, and KIND of hungover. I will never, ever want to.
- Dude! Push yourself. It feels good to work a little bit harder each day.
- Seeing what you can do with your body is kind of rewarding, and seeing calf muscles appear and all that nonsense but never forget: being able to eat more because you're working out is the greatest gift of all