Tips For The Sleepless
Who needs sleep, really? Why submit to sugar plums dancing in your head when your brain can function as your own personal obstacle course of nightmares that you must run through before REM cycle takes over? Why be functional during the day when you can just drink cups of coffee like your entire life has been reduced to a saying on a kitschy coffee mug such as, "hand over the caffeine and nobody gets hurt?" I don't need sleep at all. Why in the world would I need to function? I do much better when I sit in silence at 4am, looking out my window as the delivery guy bring boxes into the restaurant underneath my house. My quality of life is through the roof that way. But if you're having sleeping problems, (which I know you are because we live in 2016 The Treehouse of Horror Year and you still haven't paid off your credit card debt) here are some helpful tips I, a person who hasn't gotten a good night's sleep in maybe a week, have to give you:
-If you can't sleep, listen to the chorus of friends who siren-song at you nearly every day and take a few melatonin. If you're lucky, you'll fall into an 8-hour coma and wake refreshed. If you're me, you'll stay awake but groggy, like you are sleepwalking in quicksand in Old Navy snowflake pajamas pants.
-Want a nightcap? I find it great to depend on something like alcohol to do almost nothing but poison you.
-Count sheep, but instead of sheep, have the sheep be stupid things you might have said in the past few days to your friends. Consider that they might be mad at you about it and nobody will ever go to your birthday parties again. Focus on that for a while, and if that doesn't put you into a dreamless slumber, start thinking of all your personal relationships and how they have faltered or flourished in the last year or two. Think about where you were at 17. Think about people you haven't thought about in years, like the Ghosts of Christmas Past/Present/Future are really just cashiers and waiters you had uncomfortable interactions with in 2014.
-Put your phone down at least 30 minutes before you get into bed. But when you see it light up out of the corner of your eye, consider checking it to make sure something hasn't happened to someone you love or perhaps the republic has finally fallen!
-Did you lose your wallet when you were taking out your keys to get into your apartment building? Or perhaps you have to pee, or you find that your mouth is dry and you need some water. Find some stupid reason to physically get out of your bed, the place you are currently supposed to be in.
-We all die. When you're in darkness, perhaps now is the time to finally start grappling with it!
-If you need to distract your mind from your own life and worries enough to lure you into a pleasant slumber, get down some deep rabbit hole of some clickbait list regarding the most shocking television deaths of all time. Perhaps read a few articles about synthetic marijuana, the arrest history of Teen Moms on MTV, or the best seafood restaurants of 2016 in case you suddenly want to leave your house and eat fish at 5:30am. If that doesn't work, consider watching YouTube videos of body builders trying to eat 10k calories in one day. The trick is to waste a lot of your time doing nothing of value. I mean, what exactly is Vanderpump Rules about and why do I want to watch a bunch of co-workers yell at each other?
-Accidentally stub your toe in the dark. Why not have some physical pain added to this night?
-Find you find yourself finally asleep, don't forget to wake yourself up 20 minutes later because of a small, insignificant noise. Then sort of repeat this entire process all over again.
-Cycle through all the things you are worried about, ever!
-Cycle through all the goals you have and make new ones, like you want to learn how to DIY or draw cactuses better or write a novel in 2017!
-Cycle through all the thoughts you've ever had until your brain is quiet. Close your eyes. Just kidding! You're still not tired.
-If one more person tells me to drink hot tea, I'm going to shove their body and mouth full of loose leaves.
-Congrats! It's 5:43 am! You're never going to sleep again.