This is a lifestyle blog.

I'm Alida. Writer of Books. Lover of food. Late 20s and still shops at Forever21. Wears lipstick to the grocery store. Runs even when not being chased. Like a Real Housewife but poorer. Not real good at anything. Now a lifestyle blogger.

You should definitely listen to me!

 

My Brilliant Holiday Wishlist!

My Brilliant Holiday Wishlist!

The holidays are in “full swing” which basically means I don’t want to do any work and I feel as sodium bloated as a Macy’s Thanksgiving float. But it also means presents! As I get older, any futile dollar I earn seems to either go to bills or some dumb ass present I get to make myself feel better about the bills. But now’s the time I have to think about the other people in my life. Bleergh. I did a bunch of shopping last weekend/on Cyber Monday for those people, which made me feel like a selfless angel of giving things I bought on sale. Look at how generous I am when everything is 40% off! But, like everybody else in the world, I can’t do things for other people before the cute lil monsters of my mind perch on my shoulder and scream in ghostly unison: NOW WHAT ABOUT MEEEEE!!!! Spoiler: All the monsters have my face. I am the monsters. So I decided to take stock of the things I needed in case there is one person out there (my mother) who needs some hints. So, like a princess, a rich baby, and no doubt Eric Trump, I’ve made a wish list this year. Here it is:

-a neutral colored sweater that is comfortable and also doesn’t make my breasts look like two mountains on a topographic map.

-a cool Pintrest-y bedroom with all white and marble, instead of a bedroom that has a lot of clothes on the floor and this kind of cedar smell from the cheap dresser I bought

-maybe I could walk to the corner store without getting screamed at by men this Christmas

-for Mike Pence to be visited by the ghosts of Christmas past, present, and future so he can maybe rethink 99% of his stances on other human beings.

-a cool leather jacket covered in retractable spikes that I can activate when I’m walking around and people enter my personal space

-a year of enjoying the photos other people take of me

-make a real effort this year, Twitter harassment policy

-socks that the troll who lives under my bed takes no real interest in, and therefore he leaves them alone and I stop losing them

-maybe Xanax that comes in cute colors would be fun

-a grey lipstick that doesn’t make my teeth look yellowish, even though I aspire to look like a witch and wasn’t specific enough to say “beautiful young witch” and not “regular run-of-the-mill haggard witch”

-good taste

-the ability to not be embarrassed to take food pictures in public, and therefore take good food pictures in public

-a dry shampoo that adds volume but no white cast so I stop looking like I’m cosplaying as someone from the Hamilton musical every time I go out. Oh, and it isn’t brown-tinted, either, because then I spray that all over my clothes and I look like a little pig in dirt

-a Dolly Parton MAC collection

-the restraint to not pop my pimples

-a writing job that pays 10k for every article, immediately and on time and directly into my checking account

-Planned Parenthoods and taco stands on every damn corner

-the truth about the aliens

-the movie Nocturnal Animals never existed

-for somebody to make it illegal to say “man cave,” especially in commercials for beer

-movies I actually want to watch on Netflix on HBOGo, and for the last time, I DO NOT want to watch: Pinochet’s Last Stand, Longford, Grosse Point Blank, Failure to Launch, and The Fundamentals of Caring

-on airplanes, every crying baby transforms into puppies

-for my neighbors who aren’t home during the day to stop ordering Blue Apron meals so the UPS guy rings my doorbell for twenty minutes to let the Blue Apron in

-maybe I could see somebody about my fear of doorbells

-10 free therapy sessions

 -Ted Cruz publicly admits he’s the Zodiac Killer

-I gain the power to will people to invite me out only when I have an outfit I want to wear out, which is maybe one time a month

-Chris Christie weeps on national TV because Trump gives him a present for his birthday, and it’s a bobblehead of Chris Christie in a clown suit.

-a will to use a spiralizer

-I meet Mariah Carey and she’s a little bit mean to me and also gifts me with 10,000 dollars

-a perfectly ripe avocado at my doorstep every morning

-a truck full of new bras and underwear that fit me and aren't ripped

-to become the kind of person who says things like "all you need is family" and "material things don't matter to me" because I guarantee you those kinds of people are rich

Beauty Gift Sets Actually Worth The $$$

Beauty Gift Sets Actually Worth The $$$

Holiday Cocktail Ideas!

Holiday Cocktail Ideas!