Holiday Cocktail Ideas!
It’s the holiday season, which means a few things: you’re gonna start hearing songs about having sex with Santa Claus, you’re going to spend all your money (probably on yourself at Sephora you greedy wench), and you’re going to want to have people over to your dumpy apartment for a holiday get-together. You’ll call it a get-together because you’re too emotionally fragile to call it a party. What if you upset someone because you didn’t invite them to your precious little house with all the Christmas lights sadly wilting on the windows because you taped them on? It’s not REALLY a party, I’m just putting some hummus out and some President brie and some crackers out. Everybody wants to see my tree. God, everybody wants to see my dopey Xmas tree. All the ornaments are from Target!
So invite your best friends over, which turns into your best friend’s good friends want to come too, and then you have 64 people coming over to drink all your booze. But is it truly a holiday party if you don’t have holiday themed cocktails? NO, you precious moron. Here are my holiday cocktail ideas. Each one serves around 4-6 people heartily, or honestly one person for all I care. The measurements are just more of a start, and I’m not a goddamn mixologist, just drunk with power:
The “Fireball Has Antifreeze in It And We Might As Well All Die This Year Anyway”
-One Bottle of Seltzer, preferably Polar Seltzer in Cranberry Cider (but lemon or plain or cranberry lime will work)
-Two Cups Apple Ginger Cider (regular Apple Cider works too, but if you can get this one, it’s at Whole Foods! OH PRECIOUS WHOLE FOODS)
-1 ¼ cup Fireball Whiskey
-Apple Slices to Garnish
Mix the Fireball and the Cider together. Fill glasses halfway with ice, add desired amount of mixture and top off with seltzer and an apple slice. Have a few glasses and then just start doing Fireball shots, because the person you are deep down inside is terrified you will never experience the joys of being carefree and 20 again.
The “When Did Alida Stop Consuming Dairy? She Definitely Eats Cheese and Is A Liar”
-One container of Almond Nog (the one I buy is 48 oz), so you can just do 4 cups if that’s easier
-One cup of dark rum of choice
-Two Tablespoons of Amaretto
-Pumpkin Spice to garnish
Combine all liquid ingredients in a punch bowl or pitcher and serve over ice, sprinkling pumpkin spice on top. Proceed to get into a twenty minute discussion of all the different food intolerances and allergies people have when you mention it’s dairy-free, and then spend another 20 minutes talking about how you are cutting back on meat lately and it's going really well for you.
The “This Is How I Got My Family Kind Of Drunk On Thanksgiving”
-4 Cups of Ginger Ale
-1 Cup of Cranberry Juice (for a tarter taste) or Cocktail (for a sweet explosion)
-1.5 Cups of Vodka
-Half the juice of one lemon if you used Cocktail, a little less if you used juice
-Rosemary Sprig to garnish
Pour into the cranberry juice and vodka into a pitcher and squeeze in the lemon before topping with ginger ale. Put into glasses of crushed ice and garnish with a sprig of rosemary, like somebody who knows way more about this than I do would probably think was nifty. Then, like I did on Thanksgiving, hastily refill if people start talking about politics and go “has anybody seen _____ commercial?” because there is literally nothing relatives love talking about more than cute commercials. Or your relationship status.
The "I'm PUERTO RICAN, DAMMIT"
You can translate this yourself. It’s in the old cookbook my mom keeps in the kitchen, and we try to make coquito every Christmas. We are Puerto Rican. Cool. Great. Amazing.
“Santa Baby Is a Weird Song And I Need Caffeine To Process It” Coffee
- 6 Cups of Chilled Strong Coffee
-1 Cup Whiskey (or rum, or honestly, I do vodka)
-1/8 cup peppermint schnapps or ¼ cup Peppermint Mocha Kahlua
-milk of choice to splash in the coffee
-one or two peppermint sticks crushed to the point of powder
-bowl of shallow water
make coffee and chill overnight. Add liquor and schnapps or Kahlua to coffee. Meanwhile, dip rims of cups into shallow bowl of water and roll in the crushed peppermints. Add coffee to the glass with plenty of ice and stir in milk to taste. And of course, you can add whipped cream. YOU CAN TOTALLY BLEND THIS, but who blends things for their guests? Who do I look to you? Jimmy Buffett wasting away in Margaritaville? PLEASE.
The I’ll Make ONE Hot Drink Because You All Know How To Make A Hot Toddy and Also Everybody Brought All These Wine Bottles To My House
-oneor two or three bottles of red, red wine
-two cups of apple cider per bottle of wine, although Ina Garten does 4
-juice of one orange per bottle
-A squirt of honey
-cinnamon sticks and shit. I usually just put cinnamon sticks but every other recipe asks for star anise and black peppercorns and juniper berries and…I have like 6 cinnamon sticks I bought for a recipe 3,000 years ago and the ancients that haunt me won’t rest until I use all of it.
Simmer all the ingredients until it gets hot and then you get your precious little hot drink.