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I'm Alida. Writer of Books. Lover of food. Late 20s and still shops at Forever21. Wears lipstick to the grocery store. Runs even when not being chased. Like a Real Housewife but poorer. Not real good at anything. Now a lifestyle blogger.

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My Gilmore Girls Predictions

My Gilmore Girls Predictions

It's almost here. The day after Thanksgiving, the Gilmore Girls redux finally premieres on Netflix, and hopefully it will answer the most important question: is Babette's husband just your regular run of the mill jazz lovin' scat cat/heavy drug user or is he a Satanist? Or maybe it will answer the other question that I don't care too much about: will Rory end up with a human copy of any tattered book that all my ex-boyfriends loved (Jess), or will she just continue to be a terrible journalist? I guess I can just see in a few days. But here are my predictions, just in case you wanted to hear them: 

-Paris isn't with Rory but they hooked up. She's with a better journalist now, and also has one of those jobs where she gets to yell at old people sitting on a board of directors all day, which will please her.

-Patty is just face deep in an orgy

-Maybe TAYLOR DOOSE can explain why a New England town with no crime, one stoplight, a huge budget for Rory parades, and a notable bed and breakfast is supposed to pass as completely affordable for a bunch of working class people. Those houses are a million each and you know it.

-Jackson takes all his stupid vegetables that he no doubt loves more than his children in a little wagon and slowly rolls away, his shrill voice/that time he lied about having a vasectomy and only revealed it when he got his wife pregnant just a stupid vegetable memory. Jackson, I just want you to know it seems like your eggplant taste exactly like the eggplant I get in the big chain stores. You idiot.

-Coffee containing caffeine can cause insomnia, nervousness and restlessness, stomach upset, nausea and vomiting, increased heart and breathing rate, and other side effects. Consuming large amounts of coffee might also cause headache, anxiety, agitation, ringing in the ears, and irregular heartbeats. (Courtesy of WebMD)

-Everybody throws Rory a precious little parade for doing some small accomplishment, like deciding that it's a bad idea to date a married man who is about as exciting as one old sock you find under the couch and has carpet lint on it (Dean). Or maybe precious Rory works for Huffpo now, where she no doubt buries the lede every time. I don't know. Everybody throw Rory a parade for visiting her hometown.

-Lorelai and Rory have a 100% normal relationship that also includes the time Lorelai doesn't tell Rory that her father called and invited her to Christmas, because Christmas is her favorite little snow holiday and she owns the snow and is an adult woman who will probably wear something like brown knee-high leather boots with a thin scarf in that snow. Fashion!

-Luke's diner gets shut down from a failing health inspection. No way that place is clean. 

-Christopher doesn't have to be in this right? We get it, you're a rich dude who still buys his boxy leather jackets at Men's Wearhouse. Great. Go watch your french little child.

-Kirk gets another job! I don't know. Should we address him? He's just sort of a weird guy who works? 

-April Nardini is a genius who somehow gets flak for being a smart kid to a socially-primitive father, and is also hands-down smarter than Rory. HANDS DOWN.

-Sookie mentions that there are two famous Sookie's on television, and both shows have the actor who plays Zack in them. 

-Lane will have purposefully flushed Zack down a toilet when he says the dumbest thing possible, maybe like, "this new guitar song I wrote is like if Death Cab For Cutie slowly dry-humped a picture of The Strokes until Jack White told them to stop it and kiss him. I'm a man-child." She could possibly end up with Dave Rygalski (who was only one of 3 or 4 men I liked on that show), but honestly I don't think she should end up with anyone. She should just have a band and dyed hair and be like, a tattoo-y rock mom. 

-Here's a stance: nobody should date any of the men on this show. 

-Emily is drinkin' wine and feeling fine and also I can't really make jokes at that aspect of the show because I am in no way prepared for the emotions that will come from the Richard thing.

-Michel moves to, like, a CITY?!

-Mrs. Kim still thinks French Fries are the devil's starchy fingers, but that lady was pretty neat so I hope she just yells at men from a window, frightening them.

-Oh. Luke. I don't know. He's probably still with Lorelai. He probably still gets his shirts in the tool section at Sears and will say things like "I don't like appetizers, they're too fancy" and "please get that fancy dog away from me" and "nobody better catch me near some fancy boat, I'm a man who wears a regular hat." 

-Lorelai and Rory will eat enormous amounts of fast food, even though some might say learning to cook a little bit is a useful life skill.

-I will physically eat aluminum foil if I have to hear anything relating to or directly from Luke's sister and TJ and a goddamn kid named DOULA 

-Do I have to talk about the boyfriends? Do I really? Okay. If I hear Team Logan one more time, I'm going to go to a Ralph Lauren store, and I'm gonna buy a pocket square. I'm going to study the pocket square. Know it in and out. Then, I'll learn how to make pocket squares on a sewing machine. Start a business making personalized pocket squares, like for proms and groomsmen and frats and things. Sell a few. It's called Square Edge. Logo is Think Inside The Pocket. Finally, I'll put it on Shark Tank. I'll get Mark Cuban in on it. It'll be a pretty successful. I'll become a millionaire. I'll get married. Have a son. Groom him to get into the family business. He's got his own ideas. He'd rather be a whiny boy who whines about being rich and joins groups called The Life and Death Brigade, which features no murder and stupid umbrella antics. Eventually, he spends his trust, which is my hard-earned money, on an Internet idea that somebody already had. He's dating a boring but also very rich, girl. The girl likes to say she's not rich. She also quits college because I tell her that her writing is bad, which it is. I'm disappointed, but I love him. Then, and only then will I be Team Logan. 

-Rory's criminal past of stealing boats gets her out of any job, because consequence is a real thing that even exists when your eyes are big blue orbs.

-Jess will be a little angry at Rory for going on the campaign trail with Barack Obama and not a) going with Bernie Sanders, who was not running for president at that time but she should have known or b) dismantled the government from the inside. UGH. Jess! It's 2016. If you're going to be in this, you better have a man bun, a bar code tattoo, and some expensive, framed graffiti. Go write for Vice, you living handsome nightmare.

-“I can still tend the rabbits, George? I didn't mean no harm, George.” -Dean, Of Mice and Men

-Eh, Rory's gonna end up with Jess and some kind of job SHE IN NO WAY GOT because she has a WING DEDICATED to her at YALE. And I think Lorelai will marry Luke and eventually leave Stars Hollow when they find out the the hole underneath the library is a portal to hell. Either way, you say Richard, I say cry hysterically. God, I love this show. 

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Ideas For Black Friday!

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