This is a lifestyle blog.

I'm Alida. Writer of Books. Lover of food. Late 20s and still shops at Forever21. Wears lipstick to the grocery store. Runs even when not being chased. Like a Real Housewife but poorer. Not real good at anything. Now a lifestyle blogger.

You should definitely listen to me!

 

How To Have A Great Thanksgiving

How To Have A Great Thanksgiving

*Because I honestly need to have a moment where I step back and make a few stupid jokes, considering life has been a laundry pile of dirty underwear as America begins it’s nightmarish descent into the madness of Trump and literally every evil elf he puts into his precious little SNL-better-not-make-daddy-cry-today cabinet of monsters.

-Every time somebody mentions that we should give Trump a chance, break a glass over your own head.

-Make a fun little Thanksgiving cocktail of cranberry simple syrup (1 cup water, 1 cup sugar, 1.5 cups cranberries boiled and then put through a fine sieve), ginger beer, a coupla crushed Xanax and vodka.

-Instead of saying how grateful you are, read an INFORMED ARTICLE AND PAY FOR JOURNALISM, you do-nothing freak

-When you read a Facebook status about how grateful somebody else is for their special little boring snowflake family but just two days ago they were posting some real All Lives Matter nonsense, be sure to let them know that their son looks like he’s the person at the party everybody tries to avoid talking to because he smells like old meat.

-Make a cheese platter in your room.

-Scream at your grandmother because she’s Team Logan until she cries.

-Pass around cocktail weenies!

-And eat them while you describe your new IUD.

-If anyone makes a joke about millennials, ask them if they even know how to pitch to a website, because I don't and I'd like to get some more cashflow and if they had a few twenties in their pocket, that'd be great because my sugar daddy actually just died.

-If somebody comes into the kitchen to give you cooking advice on how to make mashed potatoes or to tell you that your stuffing looks done and you should take it off the heat, grab their hand and start chewing on it until you draw blood. 

-I can't imagine there would be something wrong with flipping the table over while yelling gender is a construct, because it really is.

-Here’s a great toast: “Thanks so much for coming together, even though my mother’s fiercely whispered threats about no politics at the dinner table failed, and our political differences are angering us enough to also bring out our real deep-seeded issues that we’re too terrified to talk about because we need to believe in the strength of our family unit. I donated 50 bucks to Planned Parenthood in all your names. Now let’s get STUFFED.”

-Honestly, just keep yelling Let’s. Get. STUFFED! and eating with your bare hands.

-See how many times you can say “I love your storebought pie” to your aunt or cousin before she confronts you on your passive-aggressive jabs.

-When somebody mentions getting up at 5am to get the best Black Friday sales, rip your television off the wall, throw it out the window, and tell them to go fetch.

-Wear your stretchiest pants to prove that you are the most gluttonous holiday munch munch of all the munch munchies. Fill your pants with food. Just fill them with mashed potatoes and sit on many different surfaces.

-Put your small dog on top of the turkey and yell ATREYU

-At 12:01, crash through your wall wearing a Santa Claus costume and say “WHAT War On Christmas” while clutching Starbucks cups you wrote Newt Gingrich on.

-Make sure you share those special little sideways looks to your cousins when somebody says a crazy thing, or if they’re bad with discreet looks you can just set yourself on fire when somebody says something stupid.

-"SIRI, HOW DO YOU GET PEOPLE TO BE QUIET."

-Eat, drink, and be scary

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The Things I'm Still Learning After Eating Disorder Recovery

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