This is a lifestyle blog.

I'm Alida. Writer of Books. Lover of food. Late 20s and still shops at Forever21. Wears lipstick to the grocery store. Runs even when not being chased. Like a Real Housewife but poorer. Not real good at anything. Now a lifestyle blogger.

You should definitely listen to me!

 

The Best Salsa You Can Make

The Best Salsa You Can Make

When people ask me what my last meal would be, I scream NACHOS at them before I ask them what I did to get me on death row. What got me on death row and how do you know?!?! I suspect it has something to do with tweeting too many Westworld jokes where the punchline is about how Ed Harris was in Stepmom. How can any world exist where Stepmom wouldn't be a movie people got to see? I won't allow it! So Westworld has to be a preview for his eventual turn as Susan Sarandon's ex-husband, and all the robots maybe gaining sentience is just a metaphor for really wanting to marry Julia Roberts. If that's wrong, then I'll let the prison system do what it needs to do.

Anyway, if I'm going to die, I'm going to eat nachos, because if I'm going to really LIVE, I'm going to eat nachos. So there will be a lot of nacho related recipes on this site, as I am known to many people for my homemade nachos, if by "many people" you mean "me, in my underwear, needing a fix." I will have a recipe for my refried black beans, my pickled carrots and radishes, and some kind of cheese sauce one day. I am a Nacho Goddess. But those recipes do not come today. And once I get my vegan nacho cheese sauce to not taste like potatoes, I'll let you know about that. Until, then, Velveeta and a massive stomach ache it is.

I am confident in my salsa, though. I think I make delicious salsa because I make it to my personal taste, so of course I like the recipe. And you know what? My own personal taste hates white onion when it is raw. You will not find white onion or raw garlic in this. Those make me burp like an unbelievable lunatic. Just all day burping and heart burn. Burp burp burp. So I had to adapt. I had to find some other way to make restaurant-style salsa without all the burping! 

I can give you this recipe, as long as you don't mind a) my picture being kind of bleh. I imagine they will always be bleh. Unless someone give me so much money that I can buy a fancy camera, but that's not going to happen. Nobody has any money anymore, why would I get some? b) my long-winded rants before the recipe. Let's get this clear: everybody who is confident enough to post a RECIPE online is some kind of ego-driven Paltrow maniac who thinks people want their damn commentary along with the recipe. So you kind of need to deal with me here:

Alida's NO BURP NO CILANTRO Salsa Recipe

What do I Need?

-one can fire-roasted diced tomatoes. Points if they have green chilis or garlic in them, but just keep in mind: the secret to great salsa is the the roasted flavor and the enormous salt-content

-one hot pepper of your choice. I usually use jalapeños, but I have used poblanos and would use other kinds I guess. Keep those seeds in if you ain't afraid of heat!

-one bunch scallions

-1 tablespoon garlic powder

-1/2 tablespoon sugar 

-juice of half a lime

-salt/pepper to taste

-NO GOSH DARN SOAPY CILANTRO, perhaps just take some dish soap and squirt it in? Would you like that, you mad man? Would you? 

-let me just be clear with you: I never want to hear one more person in this lifetime giving me a lecture on how good cilantro is and how it tastes good to them. If it tastes good to you, put it in. I'm not your mom. But let me tell you: I hate it, I'll never like it, and if you put it in my salsa or try to tell me it's so delicious, may Ed Harris have mercy on your soul.

The face that launched a thousand ships. Not you, SARANDON.

The face that launched a thousand ships. Not you, SARANDON.

Optional: spoonful of chipotle adobo sauce or a handful of fresh chopped tomatoes

How Do I Do?

-roughly chop the pepper and the scallions (only use the white and light green parts)

-blend in food processor with the optional spoonful of chipotle sauce until very finely chopped

-add the can of tomatoes, sugar, garlic, a pinch of salt, a pinch of pepper, the optional fresh tomatoes, NO TORN CILANTRO, YOU DEMON, and pulse until barely mixed, as I like it chunky

-taste and add any salt or garlic powder to taste.

-squeeze lime juice in and stir with spoon

-refrigerate for a few hours before serving. Let it age as well as...Ed Harris, who keeps getting more handsome as he gets older or plays a dude who hates robots on an HBO show.

Eat while watching Ed Harris in Stepmom, which is a great movie! 

No, You Don't Actually Like Eating Healthy

No, You Don't Actually Like Eating Healthy

The Hocus Pocus Drinking Game!

The Hocus Pocus Drinking Game!