How To Revive Your Trash Can Body After A Weekend Of Partying
It’s Monday! Now before I go into my rant about how Garfield shouldn’t even let the words form in his lazy cat mouth that he hates Mondays, because he is an animal who does not work, too bad! I just did. But it’s Monday for us regular human beings as well, and I’m not happy about it. I’m not happy about it because I had nightmares about WestWorld last night, a show on HBO which proves one thing: I am scared of shows that give agency to things that are not supposed to be sentient. Like robots. And Christian vegetables (Veggie Tales). And I’m also not happy because I had a fantastic weekend with lots of dancing and wine and now I just feel like an old garbage can that has to walk around and do work now. It makes the start of the week worse.
So how do I get back on track? How do I take these five precious days of the week to restore and rejuvenate my health so I can guzzle dry white wine for 48 hours straight the next weekend? Here are some of my best tips:
I am unsure if vitamins work. There are plenty of people who are going to tell me that I’m an idiot who pees out all her vitamins and I know nothing about the world. But I still take them. And one of the vitamins I take is vitamin B12, because it is supposed to maintain a healthy liver, a liver that I spent the weekend beating with a mallet. And it’s supposed to give you energy by helping metabolize sugar, and other things I don’t know how to explain to you. Google it? Anyway. I pop one of these to feel like I am a productive person who buys things like vitamins. Even if I pee them all out.
Drink A Ginger Shot
We all know that everybody loses their mind over green juices. And honestly, I don’t want to hear about it (recipe soon!). Because I know what you’re going to say-- “you can’t even taste the kale,” and “you start to like it after a while,” and “my overlords want me to consume vegetables in a glass so as not to alarm the humans I am merely a visitor on their planet.” And that is mostly true. But I’m tired of talking about green juices—there are much more disgusting, torturous ways you can add vitamins to your body. And that is why I like taking ginger shots. Ginger soothes the stomach and reduces inflammation, and when you’re eating your weight in brunch on a Sunday, this can be useful. You can purchase ginger shots at fancy juice places where you throw a 20-dollar bill down the toilet for a few vegetables. Or you can make these little babies yourself. Here’s how you do it with a juicer, and here’s a recipe for doing it without one (I make that recipe with lemon juice instead of orange juice). Or you can just add a grated one-inch piece of ginger to your green smoothie, or put a few pieces of ginger in your teapot and let it boil. I’m full of ideas. That’s why I have this DUMB SITE.
Go To The Gym
I really didn’t want to suggest this. I really didn’t. But sweating makes you feel better, and working out makes you feel like you aren’t such a lump, and it’s a good thing to do. Even though it is hands down the worst. So try to go for a 30-minute run in the morning before you go to work. Haha, I’m kidding! Do that if you’re an early bird psycho. But if you’re like me, go to the gym in the evening. Do some kind of CLASS, for all I care. Like Nike says, Just Do It. It being working out, not intercourse.
Eat A Well-Rounded Dinner Tonight, You Lunatic
Do not order dinner because you are tired and don’t want to cook. Not tonight. Think of all the meals you ate out this weekend. And for every meal you ate out last weekend, eat a cup of vegetables tonight. I don’t want to bring up kale again, but you know that it exists and I want you to think about eating it. But I won’t say it. I don’t want to be the Kale Lady. So roast some vegetables in the oven. Put some chicken or salmon or eggs or baked tofu on top those vegetables. Or put them in a giant pot with some veggie broth and chickpeas. That would be a roasted vegetable soup. Or make a giant garbage salad with all the veggies you have in your fridge, top it with some balsamic and oil, and wave your fork around going “I AM THE GARBAGE SALAD.” Try eating a dinner made with whole foods and nutrients. Don’t be a fool.
Slather Some Nice Things On Your Skin and Hair
Use the fancy moisturizer or face mask on a Monday night. Do the long shower with the hair mask. Get your deep condition on. You can do this with coconut oil or even this cheapie drugstore favorite of mine. Do some nice things for your face and body besides piling hairspray and makeup all over it. Treat yourself gently and in a respectable manner. You deserve some dignity. Don’t read the texts you sent.
Oh my GOD, GO TO SLEEP EARLY
Just go to BED. SHUT UP. Go to bed early and stop telling everyone you are going to bed and then you stay on the internet for like 4 more days. Drink a tall glass of water or a cup of tea. Turn off the Netflix. Stop being a lump. You have work tomorrow.