The..Uh...Health Benefits of Juicing
I ordered a juice today. Excuse me: Of course I ordered a juice today. I’m not just a careless bag of bones, filling my body with, say, microwaved Mexican food and pumpkin ale on a near daily basis. I know a lot about health! And health is juice. The essence of juice is the essence of life---you get a mouthful of dirty every once and a while, it can be sweet, and sometimes, you have kale just to shut everyone up about if you eat kale or not. But I don’t just drink juice for the benefits of the vitamins and minerals, many of which I know nothing about! I drink it to spend my money on feeling superior in many ways. I drink it because I want to look like a health nut, or someone who can do yoga positions that aren't just you laying on the ground on a mat, screaming. I drink it because if you come up to me when I’m drinking a milkshake, you think I’m not even listenin’ to a thing this baby has to say! But if you come up to me when I’m drinking juice, you think where do writers even get their money?!
I also drink juice because I’m giving the people what they want to see. We create heroes just to tear them down, people. What do YOU think when you see a lady walking down the street wearing a pair of Kate Hudson athleisure leggings (or Old Navy ones, ripped at the crotch) walking around with a bloody-looking juice? You think “that woman has her own personal trainer, and I hope she trips on the cobblestone streets paving the way to her SoHo SoulCycle class." Are you not entertained?! Not that I have a personal trainer. I don’t! I have a dwindling savings account, a ten-dollar gym membership to CRUNCH, and a gut!
Juice, in many ways, is the new coconut oil, which is the old juice, although both have never really left. They’re just hanging around our consciousness forever, waiting to be dusted off and consumed when we cannot physically take our bodies being treated like leaf piles anymore. They’re indispensible to us and our health. If a house was burning and you could save only three things, but you were really not feeling yourself lately and you could use a good cleanse? You’d take the oil, some kind of 7-dollar juice separating in your fridge, and all of the family pets.
I realize now something horrifying. I’m concerned you might think I’m talking about juice like it is Tropicana or something else. I am CERTAINLY NOT. Juice is an experience. Juice is when you wait on line and then you give somebody 46 dollars so you can name a bunch of vegetables and fruits in a row. And not even the fun ones---just the okay ones. Carrot. Apple. Cucumber. Swiss Chard. Beet. Lemon. And they go IS THAT ALL?!?! And then you have to say spinach or ginger. You have to. Unless you have a juicer, in which case you are so different from me and also probably don’t have old wine in your fridge. Get away from me! I DO NOT want to hear about how you use the fibrous sludge from the juicer in your breads and muffins.
There are better juices, of course, like fresh-pressed watermelon, or pineapple-beet, or apple cider, but we need to hide the fact that there’s a ton of sugar in these juices by shoving it with bitter herbs and leafy greens. I don’t know if the sugar in juice is bad or not. I am 100% not a food scientist. But I also know I’ve read those articles where a nutritionist makes you feel like an unhealthy idiot because she says granola and juices are full of sugar. Uh, yeah, but it's not Taco Bell and I like the egg yolks, so sit down, guest expert on The View. I also find it hard to believe that eating carrots in great quantities is bad for you, but perhaps my rotting teeth that all fell in my hand this morning would differ.
I’ve also read articles about why you should not, say, drink juice for 3 days in a row in attempt to pee out all your insecurities, but that Juice Cleanse, but that didn't stop me either. I did that. ANd I agree with the articles. Juice cleanses are not good. I like juice, but juicing is the devil. I saw Goody Proctor with a 3-day juice detox! It doesn’t actually do anything for your body but deprive it. It makes you mean. I bet the girl from The Ring didn’t fall down a well. She just decided to go juicing after Christmas, because of all the cookies, and then jumped down a well on day 2 when somebody told her there was pizza in the breakroom for Donna’s birthday if she was interested! I remember the days I did a juice cleanse with the fondness of the time I went to the bathroom in a dirty bar wearing a romper and the romper dropped all the way to the floor. Never juice. Juicing needs to be done like ALL outrageously annoying activities: in moderation. Do not juice! Just drink juice!
So now, when my body is mad at me, I drink a juice. I drink it when I eat a bagel. I drink it after ONE WORKOUT. I drink it when I don’t want soup, but I want a cold soup. I drink it when I'm walking around, so people can see me with it. Those are times to do it.
So raise a Juice to your Juice! It's the magical drink that makes you go to the bathroom, and may or may not make all your teeth rot. Did I tell you I drank a juice today? Did you?!